Every game has a set of rules. Dining out is no different. There are multiple players, both on the restaurant side and the diner’s side. Which one has the home team advantage or who wins depends on how the game is played. Since this is a two-party system of server and diner, the experience need not turn into fast food.

The rules are quite simple: The guest sets the rules. If I am in the middle of a conversation, you, the server, need to figure out your pacing. Not every conversation should be interrupted. Timing is everything. A server can learn so much from a quick glance, a listen to, a sense of urgency that may pervade a conversation. Darting eyes that say not now are quite revealing. Those that say, where have you been are giving different instructions.

Everybody is on a schedule. A server wants to service the table, hence the name, “server.” The guest, who after all is paying for the experience and for the overall sense of relaxation, has come for some good ole fashioned hospitality. The server needs to know, to watch, to understand.

Now let’s deal the deck. Nothing stacked about it, just ready for attention. Table of four gets seated while they are deep into conversation. The server hovers about pouring water. OK, rule one, pour the water. No conversation needed.

Server has the look at me face--OK, we start looking her way, and she tears into a back touching explanation of wines, specials, and how great it is to see us.  Rule two–no touching, even mild guest shoulder patting. No touching.

Sometimes, you the guest, want service immediately as in where’s the wine list, let’s get a bottle. Other times you are more patient especially when the wine list is on the back side of the menu in front of you. Rule three--don’t talk about wine by the glass when guests are studying the list. Let them tell you their preference or allow them to ask you if there is a by-the-glass list.

When the wine order is placed, it is a good idea to bring the wine. If there is a problem or unavailability of the selection, inform them immediately. Do not disappear for an interminable amount of time after they have ordered the wine. Rule four–pace and space. Pace yourself and space the experience. Pouring wine itself can often be a deal-breaker. Pour some into the glass, not the whole bottle evenly divided by the number of guests.

When it is time to explain the specials, do so in a straightforward, short manner.  Skip the fancy air of verbage, rather keep it simple and informative and do not try to upsell an expensive nightly special. Guests do not like that. Remember the evening involves give and take. Rule five do not push.

Dining itself is the true circus. Study the table and don’t yank plates before everyone is finished unless a guest so signals. It is a little like a Morse Code; you have to understand the tapping, the unspoken rules. In turn guests need to be tolerant of your life from behind the notepad.

As for that last drop of wine, do not grab the bottle and assume nothing is left. More often than none, a half glass or more may be hiding in the bottom of the bottle. It is painful to watch a guest grab the bottle back from a server and show how much wine is really left. I see it frequently. This is a simple rule. Do not overpour and do not yank.

From all this dialogue, you would assume dining means warfare. Actually it is a performance of fine acts broken down into doable scenes. Nothing is terribly complicated but everything needs to be heard.

Then both the server and the guest benefit from a fine evening together.